It's your favorite Duo..... from the MILF crew! We are back and prepared to tackle a coveted conversation that requires unearthing in this setting! Grab yourself nice, full-bodied wine and get into it hunny!
Take inventory of your circle, the people you are immediately connected to. How many single, black, Mothers do you know? Were you raised by a single woman? Did your Granny raise your Mother as a single woman? I’ll wait… now while you’re closely inspecting your personal situation, help me understand why single, black, women who care for their children by their lonesome disrupts your peace so much? Help me understand why you with all of your judgey characteristics feel the need to hold the Mother solely responsible for the failed relationship? Why do you all believe wholeheartedly that she should continue to hold space for a man that his demeaned, belittled, disregarded, and disrespected her for the sake of the estranged ‘baby daddy’ title? All too often, I have experienced both men, but particularly other black women speaking ill of single black women. In my personal experience, it has been other single Moms who seem to align themselves with the deadbeat baby daddies openly speak negatively about another Mom. Now sis, why would you wanna go and do that??? I have my theories...but I’ll allow you to arrive at your own conclusions at your own pace.
It is so easy for us (collectively) to sit back and bitterly observe single, black, Mothers from our own space of insecurity, bitterness, or even resentment. But the reality is that, according to forbes.com, as reported from 2012-2017, “...single, Black, Mothers outpaced the income growth of all single Mothers.” So what does this mean? I’ll translate it for you loosely before you fix ya crusty lips to come for me or any other #BabyMUHVA inextricably, judge YUH BLOODCLOT MUDDA! Because your BabyMama could NEVER!
Here’s the thing, all of my #BabyMUHVAs are DOING it! They are living unapologetically in their truth, maintaining every semblance of their essence, remaining present as a woman above all else, all while raising their child(ren). Every woman that I am in contact with, that has brought life into this world outside of a marital union is a BOSS. These women that I hold in such high regard, refuse to allow the sentiments of a failed relationship to dictate the way in which they choose to live their lives, nor does it impact the quality of life that they provide their child(ren) with. In most, if not all cases, my #BabyMUHVAs keep it so cute, clean, and classy that unless you are personally aware of their situation, you wouldn’t even know that said ‘baby daddy’ (and I use the term loosely) hasn’t seen their child in years.
You know I LOVE great conversations as well as gaining insight, clarity, and perspective. So let’s dive in, shall we? Our resident guest BlogHER, Co-Host of our #BabyMUHVABrand Live on IG, BabyMUHVA, educator, lover, fashionista, a free spirit with a wild heart, @Vibrantthang took time out of her busy schedule to provide us with context. TAP IN!!!
Did you ever wonder in a world of single moms why we get targeted so much…?
I have recently seen on Twitter a plethora of women talking down on single moms. These women claim to be unable to understand why a man would have any obligation to his child’s Mother if they are no longer together. Essentially these women went on to say.. ( in a nutshell), that if a man has a child with a woman... he should only ever be concerned with the child & that’s it. So if that same woman... the Mother of his said child falls on hard times (physically, mentally, emotionally)...That has nothing to do with him. His only responsibility is to the child.
Whew, Chile it is so many things wrong with this statement... & there were quite a couple of retweets agreeing with this Woman.
So Let’s get into it.
Imagine carrying a child for 9, damn near 10 months in your body.. your flesh is their flesh.. your blood their blood..your air their air..your immune system now belonging to them. Literally, as the child’s Mother, every fiber of your being is stretched to capacity to create sustainability in your child.
To then go through hours of labor or through a triumphant C-section.
For this mentality to be lingering around.
How dare anyone gets up on this internet and say a Mother falling down on hard times has nothing to do with nobody but herself ??? TUH!
It’s the audacity for me!
So let’s get to the bigger picture.. the children. And that’s that.
I always see the statement, Happy Wife... Happy life.
And you got to be out of your damn mind... if you can’t comprehend that a Happy Mom = Happy Child. That statement holds the same validity, if not more. Actually, we believe in Happy Spouse= Happy House, but that’s the context for another conversation...
It literally blows my mind how much backlash a single Mom faces, and STILL, even with all thrown at us, we still get up and make it happen for ourselves and our children daily. We don’t get any breaks. We don’t have the luxury of calling, seeing, checking in with, caring for our child at our convenience. Our child(ren) depends on us to sustain their vitality.
The bare minimum any man needs to do when he lays down with a woman that has HIS child is to make sure he is always there for both of them.. whether they are together or not.
And I’m not talking bout for monetary purposes (although every little bit helps)...because if some of y’all took the time to do some research on the same internet y’all love to get on and be miserable. You would learn that 70% of single women, BLACK, single, women that is, hold the title of the head of household.
With that being said it has nothing to do with money or child support... Most single moms are actually the last ones looking for a handout. And that’s THAT on THAT!
It has all to do with having unconditional respect and care for the women who bore your child(ren) & in no way shape or form am I saying worship the ground she lives on. But in all actuality, you should. Do you realize that she risked her own life to bring the life that the two of you created together in the world? Do you realize that carrying a child is wreak havoc on her body? It stretches her organs, shifts her uterus, changes her skin, impacts her vision, her hair may or may not fall out after the baby is born, I mean the list is endless. The least you could do is ensure that she is always in a good space.
& cmon we all know all single-parent situations are far from peachy.
What I’m saying is “Pick up the slack where there is lack.. because if she lacks..your child lacks..”
Because if we really get into it...
Mothers are the first ones to pick up everyone slack. The black mother especially & honestly a lot of us in the black community were raised by these said “Single Moms.”
Sometimes we all get wrapped up in the logistics of it all but it’s all really simple.
To successfully co-parent:
Parents need to pick up each other’s slack for the sake of the children..& do it peacefully the best way we know how .. to our own capacity.. even if it means taking baby steps.
Trust me I know from personal experience the co-parenting road ain’t an easy one.
But once all the bullshit is put to the side and the most important thing is put into the frontal and peripheral view… adults can and will successfully raise a decent human being.
& not raise a child that grows up to be an angry adult that creates trauma bonds with another angry adult.
The reality is, that children deep down truly need to see a united front from their parents. They need to witness mutual respect and a level of common courtesy between their parents.
I’m not talking fairytales or fantasy.
I’m talking reality. Some of us are out here are trying to break generational curses and that starts with these kids... Man, everything else is really just chatter...
But haha... I had time TUH-day 💋
References:
Carter, C. (2019, May) “Despite the Odds, Educated, Single, Black Mothers are Dominating Corporate America.” Retrieved from:
https://www.forbes.com/sites/christinecarter/2019/05/31/despite-the-odds-educated-single-black-mothers-are-dominating-corporate-america/?sh=5221bf118b10